Renaissance

2009-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

There are certain phrases like "time will heal" that are troublesome for me. As far as I'm concerned, time is slowly killing us. This is where we need more than time to heal our wounds.

2009-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

The measure of a moment
the measure of my pride
And the ever-present distance
between her heart and mine

Seeps through the cracks of reason
and the fortress deep inside
But I've yet to uncover
the depths inside her eyes

I know that you could find
some better place to hide
Now you have everything you want
but you don't have me

You don't have me.

My beating heart—
the silent sustain
of rhythms and rust—
all beat your name

Into the devil's angel-eyes,
I stare into the rising tide
"Can you hear me?" "I can hear you"
As she starts to cry

And I know that you will find
some better place to hide
Now that you have everything you want
and you don't have me.

You don't have me.

2009-04-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I find my heart willing to share it's deep secrets.
I can no longer hide the sacred spaces inside of me.
My gift is my life on my sleeve and my voice in the air.
I am a man for the strength to trust.
I am a man after my father's heart.

To truly love is to forsake independence driven by fear.
I am a foolish lover in deed and in mind.
My God has wrapped the light of love
around my feeble body—making eternal all that I am.

The hatred of the world will be devastated
by the love of a King through the hands of a man—
weak, wounded and still marching on.

This blood on my head is a crown.
I have love thus I have it all.

2009-03-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

I was destroyed. Life is starting over and life is learning to forgive. I am lost and will be found. My hope is found resting in the glorious sun.

2009-02-19T14:13:00.001-08:00

I am finally free. God you saved me from death. I am alive again.

2009-02-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

Today I have seen the grandeur of this landscape that is our future home. I am breathless as I have felt the Lord open my eyes to what he has called us to become. I am overwhelmed by the knowledge that we have but some fifty years to lean against the pains of this present world. And as we pine and ache for our own redemption, we have a pure knowledge that we will soon, so very soon, find ourselves complete. As if it were tomorrow, I can see the mist in the morning air resting gently upon the trees ... and the eastern hills in the glorious sunrise. We will soon dwell in the deep waters of our God, our hearts ablaze with love.

I am moved to tears as I brush against the eyes of eternity, and I am so thankful that the king has found us worth this great calling. What then will we do with these powerful years—how can we give our hearts to the broken among us and across the world? We with feeble voices speak the language of a God who calls himself love. We have but these few years to watch amazed as he redeems the hopeless.

Depression and fear compel me. But with this I—for the first time—have found that this hope exists through suffering. We are a voice of the countless before us, from now and now on ... We love with our whole hearts and echo through the endless rhythms of grace. God has come near. He has given us more than we could imagine. May our hands wear through the oppression of this world, and war with our own broken hearts. May his love be ours. Our great king lives among us in every corner of this world—between the distances of our hearts mended together—for we are alive today.

2009-02-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

Left with the disassembled inner workings of my heart.

2009-02-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

These last few months have been hell for me...

The will of the human heart is blinding.
I am falling apart. I feel so abandoned.

Jesus, I need you so much. I have no idea how to trust again.
The cruel weight of this broken heart is too much...

All my life I have watched this, I know you know.
I am crushed I am crushed. I am crushed.

2009-01-08T14:14:00.001-08:00

Is annoyed with arrogant pastors because they reveal what I hate about myself.

2009-01-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

I have such a pervasive arrogance. It creeps up inside of me and causes me to feel superior to others. God I have such a wicked spirit in this regard. The desperate heart that you have created inside of me longs to be protected from this elitism. God help me surrender myself to you, I am so sorry for the darkness inside. I cannot keep from going here unless you save me... Forgive me Lord. Help me to be a servant...

2008-12-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

I just saw the film "Slumdog Millionaire" last night. Honestly one of the best movies I've ever seen. It takes place in modern-day India, and starts off in a slum in Mumbai (I recall ... ) There are three characters in the film—two beautiful, orphaned brothers (one named Jamal) and a precious girl named Latika. Jamal grows up and finds himself on the Hindi version of "Who wants to be a millionaire" with a chance to win several million rupees, all to find that as he answers more and more questions correctly, he is accused of cheating. Everyone knows it is impossible for such a slumdog to be so smart. This film will break your heart, and inspire you to new depths of life.

My whole heart cringes at the pains of this story, because I know how many countless faces have had this same experience ... How do I (as a removed and distant American) hope for things to come when there are so, so many who loose hope in honest pursuit of redemption? There is so much love and heartache I can barely stand it.

How on earth do we deal with caste? I see it's perverse face in every corner of our world, from high school popularity contests to entire nations— there is such sorrow in the dominance of another person's heart. I see my own darkness, I see my fault in this and I weep bitterly. And in my sorrow, I see such a powerful and oppressive force so widely accepted.

God have mercy on me and on us! Please let us surrender ourselves to become the least of these. Oh Christ! let us take the place of those who have no hope so they may know your kindness. We can be the lowest if we have you! I pray that you will make us a presence of light that burns this wicked oppression and leave all hearts ablaze with your love. Forgive me for my arrogance my gracious father. I have not seen these precious, precious children the way that you do ... Here's to seeing your eyes as I look into theirs, and being in love with your children!

2008-12-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

My life is but years unaccounted for—
like change spent on bottled water.
Vanity is laughable in the eyes of the grave.
The ground whispers and waits to drink us up.

There is no 'new' to be done, had or seen.
There is no good that lasts, no oppression that stays.

So stand as weeds and flowers for a single season,
and the next one will grow in your place.

All is left spinning in a thoughtless world.

God please forgive me—I curse you as I grow like weeds.
I plead for redemption from this lifeless state.
Your love exists outside of death, and your presence remains.

2008-12-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

Oh my Lord, you are good. There are so many places I have run ... and you have raptured my heart. You are my dream realized. I have no words, my God. I rest awake in you and drink your beauty! You have given me more than I could ever ask for, please let me give it up to your world, this beauty you have left burning in my soul ... Oh and this pulsing desire! May it resound with the echos of your voice until I see your face and my darkness melts away. I love you.

2008-11-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

My heart is slightly hurt today as I look at so many people who seemingly lost hope after the election turn out. I know I would be in the same boat if what I set my heart on didn't happen but I do feel the lack of faith and love... However, being that you all are cherished brothers and sisters who are hurting, i must say that we have a greater hope... I love you and your heart. What's more is that the Lord is our redeemer, so much better than any president or government. I could go on about policy and what not, but my heart says that is foolish. All I want to say is I love you and I mourn with you, and have joy for what is to come as his children.

2008-10-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

what is the role of a husband? This question has kept me occupied for some time now. As I thought through this, I kept thinking of all the passive aggressive examples i have seen, (as this same issue has been a theme in my life.) It seems to me as if all of us, as husbands brothers and fathers are failed examples of a true bridegroom, maybe because we were never meant to be the end all groom...

As I look at our responsibilities I see a great deal of truth in caressing a woman's heart, revealing to her the christ as her husband who is coming back for her. I started to think about how our role is not to control her, but to prepare her for her husband that is to come...

I wonder if the reason so many christian marriages fail is because we try to own our spouses as property to satisfy us... Well, to be frank, that is quite arrogant to assume the main reason, there are so many hurts and issues that devastate the matter. For sake of maintaining some sincerity and compassion let me rephrase: Maybe there is a bit of truth in looking to our wives, sisters and mothers as brides of a different husband.

There is a husband king who has never been passive, selfish or arrogant. Instead of finding his life more valuable that hers when the enemy threatened her, he gave his life to be with her. He is the straight-and-true love of her life. Men as husbands are blessed with the joy to watch breathlessly as she blossoms! She is given to us for the time to cultivate her and prepare her for the coming Christ. How beautiful that he would allow us the chance to mingle with the deepest parts of her soul... How selfless is this christ!. As all the things of this world are his possession, so is her heart.

Maybe there is some deal of disbelief in you about trusting his goodness and his desire for you. If this is so let me ask in honest humility because I find myself neglecting him for the same reasons. Are the things that you love willing to give up everything to keep you alive in your heart, mind and soul?

(And to women: Do you live in bitterness expecting your husband to be the end all perfection in your life? Do you have a sense of distrust, hurt and insecurity because he doesn't fill the need that you thought he would? Do you react in disrespect to him, about him to your "friends" or even talk him down to God in your prayers? Remember you speak of your husband as you do your relationship with God, because the husband mimics the role of his maker.)

The longing I have is that you as well as I would see God not as a tyrant, and give up on his existence... but as a selfless-desiring, wildly-passionate lover who wants nothing else but you to see him for who he really is. Our doubt holds our eyes fixed as it presents itself as truth... loved ones, please learn to question the doubts as well as the unbelievable. in this you will be sure to find him as he truly is...I love you.

2008-10-03T08:50:00.001-07:00

I have so many thoughts, and some appear in vain in regards to the upcoming election... I'm feeling quite informed and elitist if you want to know the truth. I feel empowered by the idea that I've got something new to say... and four years ago, well 84 years ago someone else said the exact same thing. So while these concepts and ideas and party lines exist, i must ignore for the sake of my own well-being, so I keep my heart pure from the arrogance of my own heart.

I need to say that Christ is the liberation of my heart. He sets the captives free with his breath and his hand. Oh my God forgive our hearts for choosing ignorance! Come and save us from our insecurities and arrogance.

And teach me your love for the least of all of these... Teach me to surrender so others get a chance to see your face as you have so mercily shown to me. God I am nothing without you and this gift of your presence should not be hoarded in my own heart. Transform me with your love and help me not to pursue people's approval as I so often do.

2008-08-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

There is a gentle separation
that whispers in my ears.
From two sides it stands on end,
to remind me of the years...

I am lost inside my open heart.
I am lost along the way.
Where I do not see what I have said,
"I hope I'll find you here".

Oh keeper of the broken hearts... Can you hear me?
In a room you hide in make-believe,
in their bleeding hearts they are convinced
'we' will one day find that key.

My hope is sore from wanting
to find you next to me.
Help if you are helpful.
Lend life if I'm to live.
Save me if your heart desires
I've not much else to give.

I want so much to not be here,
but where the day is good for keeping.
Where you nor I, never again,
are reminded of what's missing...

2008-07-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

There is a deeo need to understand how theology turns to ethics in my heart.

2008-04-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

You slip away from the others and into your private chamber.
You fall to your knees at the altar you keep there and gaze at your favorite painted icons, your cherished sacred statues. You feel it coming on, watch in patient fascination as the familiar, mysterious feeling washes over you. It gathers all your fragmented parts and lifts you out of yourself

There is a stirring at your left side. Very close. You turn in slow motion to see what it is. A small angel is standing next to you.
As clear and distinct as your bed, as the window above your bed, as the hills beyond the window.

He is beautiful. Exquisitely formed, androgynous. His face is made of fire. You briefly wonder what angelic category he might belong to.
You have read somewhere that there are several. You conclude he must be of the highest order. He has not told you his name. It doesn't matter.

Then you see the spear in his hand, and you know it is meant for you. Meant to annihilate you. This is what you asked for. The spear is made of gold, and its tip is on fire. With a small smile, almost playful, he lifts his glorious weapon and plunges it into your heart. Again and again he thrusts, until he has penetrated your innermost core.

When at last he withdraws his spear, it feels as though he is carrying the deepest part of you away with him. You are left blazing, entirely consumed by love of God.

You swoon. You moan. The pain is unbearable. The pain is so glorious, you never want it to abate. Now you will not be content with anything less than total union with your divine Beloved.

Yes, this anguish is spiritual, not physical. True, your loins remain intact, your flesh unpierced. But the body shares this beautiful wound.

When you try to tell the others what happened to you, they think you're lying. You're just being melodramatic (again). "You want people to think you're some kind of mystic, "they say. "This is delusional," they declare. "Dangerous. "

'Beloved, "you beseech your God, "please give them a taste of your sweet love." You want the whole world to burn as you do. You want to see everyone illuminated.

2008-04-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

I love you. I cannot help what I feel as hard as I try. As I cannot hide my darkness, I cannot resist you. Thank you for all the beauty that you have allowed my eyes to see. thank you for how a chorus affects me. Thank you for never leaving me.
I was convinced that you were no where to be found—I was certain that I believed a lie. When on cliff's edge I lost hope in life and love and beauty, you came. You found me. My love you found me! You patiently waited for me to know all dark things, and then set my heart on fire to see the glory of light, of joy and peace. Today, I see and I am alive... I see who I am and all that I have known as deep worthlessness beside what I now gaze upon. All the sky has opened and the storms are gone, and i am in the arms of my joy. I love you.

2008-02-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

your light affects me very deeply Jesus. Jesus I long to be more like you, loving and gracious, and violent with the gates of hell. You are my true joy and in nothing else have I found life... What I long for is a deepness that changes my heart. I have spent so many times taking your love, allowing it to bring me to tears, and then loose sight of this within an hour. I long that this love would be with me, driving this hell from my hands and my heart.

Jesus I miss you... let my longing pay this tribute.
I have never known the depths that I trust I will see soon. In your arms I am alive.

2008-01-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my darkness...I have tried all my life to gain the approval of those around me. I have found such false hope and peace in the fleeting arms of earned acceptance. And as I return to look at my life through the blackouts, the blurred history, the unwillingness to remember who I am and what I have done, I see a very dark person. I see a covetous person, a lustful person, a womanizer, an alcoholic, a raging, addictive, selfish, loathing... complete in all senses of the word, "dead" human being. I see a person who has never been able to free himself from these chains...

I have tried the steps to freedom through prayer (or what I thought was prayer). I have tried willing myself out of sin...I have tried making covenants with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman, and by the end of the day I was guilty of rape. Oh God how guilty I am of terrorizing goodness! How dark my soul and how filthy my heart! And what scares me the most is that even though I make these confessions, I know there is no freedom from the depths of my heart. I raise my bloody, unbowed head to say "I submit to no one". What is so strange to me is that I am shocked by this... Why I think that because I am "saved" somehow I am supposed to be above this now. I have tried for so long to make myself look good and gain the approval of the religious community, only to come to the realization that I am very dark. If you knew the depths of what I desired in my heart you would feel horrified, and then feel right at "home".

___________________________________________________________

I remember feeling quite good about myself a few months ago in Houston. I had seen tangible success from music, and had received lots of pats on the back for spending an entire year making nothing financially "for the kingdom". I felt like I was good, like I was on the track to success: approved of, financially stable, and good at what I did. One night, watching a movie with friends, I witnessed the character John Newton so heartbroken by his darkness that he said he cowered in every dark corner and remembered the faces of all the Africans he had enslaved... Safe to say I was jealous of his open heart. I wanted to feel like he did, aware of his darkness because I felt a sick sense that he lived deeper than anything I had ever known. While driving to the store that night I, unaware of my immediate future, asked with such an inflated self-worth, "God would you show me my darkness because I am not aware?" I knew that my cognitive belief system said "everyone had fallen short of the glory of God, bla bla bla" But in my heart I felt as if my desire for porn or money or self-actualization wasn't that big of a deal.

The next day I was on my way to play a solo gig downtown. I can't for the life of me remember anything else that morning or afternoon. But on my way down HWY 45, I received a call from my dad.

"Hey son, how are you?"

"Doing good, just about to go play a concert downtown," I said.

"We'll, your brother is not doing so well, and well he's really struggling... he's been snapping at your mother lately and got some really harsh words thrown back at her when she mentioned you about something unrelated. He told me last year about some abuse he went through growing up and I just wanted to find out how deep it was. I'm not sure what's going on in his mind these days. He said things are definitely ok with you two, but I just wanted to hear from you"

Thus began the grave reminder of who I am... I was trapped in this conversation with nowhere to run. I felt the socially unacceptable darkness that I could not justify—screaming at me from my gut. I immediately felt sick and wanted to pull the car over and vomit. I began to talk in very vague terms about our childhood. You see, I grew up with such rage issues- such feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I abused everyone in my life, and my brother took the brunt of it in every sense of the word. I was that bully that everyone one looked at as a coward. Afraid and very, very sick, I obsessed over people closest to me. I focused so intensely on every flaw and failure they possessed and loathed them for it. I moved as a traveling gypsy. Separate from those around me, I occupied one territory after another in my rage.

My parents knew this and took me to Christian counseling at a very young age. I remember feeling such guilt for those I hurt and even more rage that they were still around to remind me of this. I hated people for loving me, and I wanted to hurt them to make them stop. In 6th grade I decided to kill myself- make my parents suffer for ever bringing me into this world. I taped a note to my chest and I hung myself. And to the tenacity of Christ, my father walked in and stopped the process of strangulation. A couple of weeks later I was let out of the suicide ward. And as you can figure this shamed and humiliated me. My father saw me at my weakest place and that was never acceptable growing up. "Why won't they let me die?" I knew the people in my life loved me and said God did too, but I hated this god who forced me into behavior modification, and loved me more when I tried not to sin. Throughout my teenage years I chased everything I could to run from love, because love exposed me, and I was not about to be humiliated again.

I exhausted all the possibilities and when it came time to graduate high-school, I did, and found that I actually had created a person whom people liked to be around. I went to school in Philadelphia and then transferred to Boston. After feeling exposed from all the memories from high school, I created a new identity, and because no other options were available, or seemed as sexy, I created a "Christian" me. I knew that God was disappointed at my past and wanted me to filter my life through what Jesus would do. I really knew that this was what I was supposed to do anyway. I became obsessed with God, obsessed with evaluating what social structures said about being a Christian, with what Christ would look like in the culture I lived in. I was sure I could do it, and do it well. I grew up in church, and I knew there was truth in being liked by God. I knew how to sound spiritual, and I knew what God and like-minded people loved to see. I felt more alone than I ever had.

A few years later I moved to Houston and then to Colorado, chasing what I thought was good for a Christian to do. I worked at churches and even moved to work for a mission. I tried to please God with all that I had, with all of my heart. On that last trip back to Houston, on the day of that concert, I was filled with such a hidden rage inside me after the call that night. I drove around for hours after I performed the concert. I wrestled the steering wheel and screamed at the god who was never there. I screamed at him to tell me where he was when I was hurting so many people, why he let me hurt the way I did for so long if he loved me...I said things that evening to him that I hope no one will ever hear. I screamed my voice out, pulled over and gave up on God. And the empty sky said nothing.

___________________________________________________________

Now, through all my life, dark or darker, there was a sound that I knew. It was a sound that I had heard from time to time since I was a child. And that sound came back again. Every once in a while, even during those "spiritual" years, I would hear it when I least expected it. And even though I tried to gain God's approval for my controlled behavior, I would still hear the gentle infinite haze whispered "I know".

The real God, the one my heart never knew, began to press himself against me and caress my broken, bent heart. He began to say "I know". He began to say gentle things to me, and he began to say that he never loved me more than he did when I was at my darkest. Who knows when my heart fell and was born again. Who can say if this has even taken place yet. All I can say is that I have never understood the word of God as I do now... This is how we know what love is, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. What the law could not do, God did.

2007-12-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

heaviness, loney spirits
driving hearts away...

waiting, tired of the broken,
dark and contrived.

I am a well that is dry...

2007-08-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a state of self-pity today...

I hate it. Why I ever consider myself as something worthy of pity i have no clue. Instead, I am weak and mangled by my own disobedience. I find myself losing hope and heart for that which is beautiful. I would rather die than live this way, and yet my will stays wickedly intact. Lord help me, please do not forget me in your kingdom.

2007-07-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am afraid, and I depserately need your help...Please save me from fear and selfishness

2007-06-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

Oh how beautiful your peace is! My heart is so thankful for your joy. May I enter it with all my heart!
He has made all things new...

2007-06-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

"Oh to behold the Glory of Christ! Here in would I live, Here in would I die, here on would I dwell in my thoughts and my affections until all things here below become as dead and deformed things, and in no longer, any way, calling out for my affections" John Owen

Please reveal yourself... I beg to fall in desperate love with you so that nothing would be found weightier in my heart than my affections for you. Please reveal yourself amoung the deep hidden things, and show your light to me. I long to drink so deeply your beauty until there is nothing left but you... where my heart is overwhelmed and the flood of your grace washes over my half so opened eyes...

"...so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
~pn

2007-05-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

I want to go home.

I am restless, my heart feels so much. it is in these moments when my heart longs for deep intimacy with those around me, when no walls will be built up. We will all rest our finite eyes on that which is infinite. When what our eyes have never seen is finally seen, and the insecurities have washed away, then I will be alive.

I want to run through the endless landscape and find God running with me. I want to go home.

2007-05-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

I love you more than I ever have before

2007-05-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

Passion does not dictate perseverance. Outside strength does.

2007-04-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am torn apart, waiting for my heart to show its foolish face
I want to be a servant, but the war inside keeps me holding my head high
above all of creation.

2007-03-05T16:18:00.001-08:00

Jeffery and I were talking about what this music career is going to look like today. I think it brought up some deep rooted fears I have. I was thinking about what a musician's life is. How it seems to be wrought with wandering and loneliness. How you're loved for what you do, loved for how you sing. I can't do this alone. I think I'm just afraid I will never find home. Honesty beckons me to admit this, although I know home is where I am truly loved. I was reminded that the only one who can really do anything about this already knows how I feel. He calls me to come alive. Life is beautiful and I'm made to capture it. Be it on film, paper, music, or on a canvas. I am made to reflect that which I feel. I feel so much. I am afraid even more. And life is still beautiful and so full of meaning. When I run with all that I am, into this great mystery, I am alive.

2007-03-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

"And the question that you are going to ask your self is 'is God an end or a means?'"

2007-02-28T13:16:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to believe that it's not about being perfect...
Its about being humble enough to admit your not.

Please pray for me as I am trying to surrender. I have no idea how to give all of me. I am seeing how much I need grace. This is a beautiful thing even though it means turning off the perfectionist mindset. this is where life is to me now.

2007-02-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

I needed you and you came to me.
I felt alone and you filled my heart with your peace.
I asked for you and I ran in disbelief

Lord, I have run from you and loved safety instead of you.
I have worried about tomorrow and gave myself to fear.
As I was in the desert, I am desperately wicked.
I have not believed that you are good.
Lord, please forgive my doubts and save me from wandering
My soul wells up and I plead with you to hold me.
I am ashamed of who I have been. Teach me to trust you
help me to see your beauty as you overwhelm me with truth.
Teach me to tell others of your love.
I need you and I cannot do this on my own
I confess that I am lost in Sinai. Help me find my home
You are my father and my soul is healed by your name.

2007-02-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

so my brakes failed in my car this weekend. I have no idea what to do. Im trying to focus on his provisions in the past that I would not be overwhelmed.

2007-01-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

"You called me; you cried aloud to me; you broke my barrier of deafness. You shone upon me; your radiance enveloped me; you put my blindness to flight. You shed your fragrance about me; I drew breath and now I gasp for your sweet odour. I tasted you, and now I hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am inflamed with love of your peace."

Saint Augustine

When the day comes that I will cling to him with my whole being, learning no more sorrow. I want to go home.

2007-01-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

I believe that I am guilty of sacrificing truth in order to defy a sub-culture Christianity that sells Jesus and tells me what's right and wrong. Let me explain.

Have you ever felt like one of those people who, if not now, felt somewhat frustrated when following the masses? I used to be bad with this. I always looked for the opposite of what's "popular" in order to feel somewhat above what everyone else was doing. It's a form of pride that's more visible than others. I have to say that I have been guilty of this elitist mentality even as I have grown closer to the father. I have to admit that its been hard as I have seen a sub-culture christianity taint the gospel and domesticate Jesus. Instead of facing the problem by extracting people from the equation in order to love them and help them find freedom, I gave up on them. I gave up a few years ago after feeling overwhelmed with a few of the situations I was in. There are no excuses. I found the deconstructive movement quite helpful at the time, but there comes a time when enough has been torn apart that you find foundation. Truth.

In my attempts to please my pride, I believe that I sacrificed the truth that may have very well been presented by the christian subculture. I feel like the beauty of our maker is lost in our consuming, self help lives, but truth is truth, wether it's delivery is lacking heart or not. I have put up a fight when truth lacking love is delivered. Instead of being angry and rolling my eyes at the lack of creativity in "christian" music, or distancing myself from people when i find them insincere, i must draw close to them! Who am I to judge the heart of an action? This seems so awful as I write this, I must ask that any reader would forgive my arrogance! There is truth and it leads to a person. Love. Love lends himself to our hearts that we may feel complete!

hope>truth>faith>love>Jesus>completion.

(im still wrestling with that last equation, so feel free to form your own) Anyhow, I love you and ask your prayers as I learn to live in his precious light.

2007-01-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Am I unfit for You
Remember me, the one who turned from you
I come in rags tattered by the fall
And all the earth, a witness to my crime

Mercy, weep over me
Let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
For my eyes have seen Holy

Hear my prayer at night
Let the morning find me alive
For I am tired and weakened by the fall
Let all the earth bear witness to my cry

Mercy, weep over me
Let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
For my eyes have seen Holy

Let the amen sound from heaven as you lift my soul
Let the amen sound from heaven as you lift my soul
Let the angels sound from heaven, holy is the Lord

bebo norman- my eyes have seen holy

My heart breaks at the thought that the entire world bears witness to my crime. the trees the waters the skies all mourn my offenses. My heart then breaks in half at the knowledge that there is a God who is so merciful as to make me new.
I am short of breath at the artist who spends his entire heart to make me into something beautiful.

2006-12-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

Well, its been a little while since I wrote down any thoughts I had been wrestling with. I have felt a desperate need for confession the last few months, partially because my heart has felt so prideful. It is as if I found myself "okay" and safe from the wrath of God. But the main reason was because I was pining away for peace and joy. I promise that when you humble yourself as the word says, you will find that God hears you. I am learning this more these days.

Here is a thought that has been brought to my attention as of late, "redemptive violence". I heard this term recently as a theological point of reference to anything that uses violence (or negative impulse) to bring about a positive change. Evidently, theologians use this phrase to pin point historical events that have used this method. Example: Jonathan's car is stolen, jonathan then finds the theif and steals the theif's car (jonathan some how got really brave). Sounds like eye for an eye. But I think the main point is that we never stop with that. It usually leads to some sort of escalation with an "ill show them not to mess with me". In my personal life, I have seen countless times when I have sought revenge. Even to people who meant no harm. Of course most of my actions have been verbal. But out of the mouth flows all sorts of evil. How about the movies I love, the ones with some epic battle. I feel as if, when not attributed solely to the character of God, I find myself wanting to seek justice in the same light. In my own accord and in my own self-righteous manner. It is then when I compare myself with the Righteous God that I am guilty of the worst pride.

We must learn that as we seek justice, it must not be for our sake but for the One who deserves justice. It is of absolute importance to apply Isaiah 1:17 "learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." or better yet Matthew 25:35-36 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink..." He has said this that we would recognize that he is the only one who has never sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. He is the one we seek justice for, not ourselves.

thanks!

2006-11-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

Master. I have sinned against you. I am not getting any better. my righteousness is foolishness. I can not do this. I can not make myself free. I can not motivate myself, infact even a fleeting moment of your glorious presence is not enough for me to find myself free. I need you to come and be lasting to me. I need you to come and hold on. Do not let me fall, i ask this because I know when you are near my heart grows increasingly tender to the needs of those around me. Help me and show up! Let me have a day of your mercy and tenderness. Allow me a day long experience of your presence. I'm not asking for a year, I do not want to ask for more (for you know my needs), I want to have a constant day of determination and self discipline and holy love for the sake of the lost ones. The sheep who have wandered off and can not find their way back. Lord save me from myself and the death that i cause. Please be near. your presence is my joy.

2006-10-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Who am I who, filled with lust,
should have the favor of purity?
Who am I who has hated men
would feel the arms of love
wrapped around my wounded heart...
Who am I in disbelief would find
A God who never leaves me?

All the things I long to count as lost
I count as gain
And I do not feel as I am worth the time
he puts into me.
Who am I to even question this time He has
put into making me complete again.
He is not through with me yet!
Oh the hope I have that he would deliver me
from the snares of all my sins that would
make a reader blush.

I am guilty of all you can imagine!
I am not a saint. I am not worth paying any mind to...
I am only begging that you would see him through
what evil I have comitted in his eyes.
See that I am still alive and some mornings even
full of glorious light!

See his hands wrapped around me!
See his patience!
See his purity!
He is the light of the morning
beams of light are his eyes.
A light not of the earth
that passes with the day,
but a light not taken for granted
as He faithfully removes
the scales from our eyes

2006-08-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

2006-08-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

"as the music at the banquet
as the wine before the meal
as the firelight in the night
so are you to me

as the ruby in the setting
as the fruit upon the tree
as the wind blows over the plains
so are you to me

as the wind blows over the plains
so are you to me
so are you to me"

-eastmountainsouth

2006-08-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

these are my arms and my heart.
like a broken rose...

These are my eyes
they are emptied and blind.
But oh this ache in my hand,
is healed by yours.
the leaves that fall resound in grace.
They remind me of surrender
to gravity...to hope...to seasons again.
because they know nothing else but this...

As do I know nothing else but you.
so much so that your hands make me feel,
your eyes make me see
and your heart makes me love again.

2006-08-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I have been able to think that I am good. That I have some great understanding or gift to bless people with. Some arrogant thing to believe. What I've come to see is that my heart is desperately broken. I dont have anything to give. I never have had anything to give. I convinced myself that I can earn security and love from people and especially God. Am I destined to drive those closest to me to the point of giving up and then regret it afterwards? I always push away the people I love the most. I think that I can somehow earn their affection and its killing me inside. I sabatoge relationships. Oh i need him close right now. I dont know what to do.

2006-08-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes praying is so hard.

2006-08-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

神造萬物，各按其時成為美好，又將永生（原文是永遠）安置在世人心裡。然而　神從始至終的作為，人不能參透。

Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

2006-08-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

I've never liked change. The funny thing is, i am terrified of monotony as well. As always, a new season of change is setting up shop in my quaint little life. I'm being pushed into a place where I am not comfortable. Something sick inside me wells up and fights against growth with bitterness. This wonderful mercy is welcomed by my resistence. In the recent past I have been learning to be ok with geographic change. To pick up and move to a new area, living as full as I can. The past few weeks I have been losing some of the dearest people in my life. You know, life has happened and we've pour ourselves into it. Deep emotional change. I am trying to let go.

2006-08-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

"In China, one woman kills herself every four minutes. Every year, 1.5 million women attempt to take their own lives, and a further 150,000 succeed in doing so.The problem is worse in rural areas, where the suicide rate is three times higher than in the cities."
-BBC World News

They need no pity or religion. They need Jesus. They need his love. I am overwhelmed and can hardly stand it.
My heart beats out of my chest for those who have no hope. Please pray for those whose hearts are so broken.

2006-07-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

I am tired and I am sorry. I wish I could believe that you love me. I wish I could believe that im accepted and that you have more patience than I give you credit for. but in all of this i know its the road that we walk in order to find ourselves. To find who we think we could be if we could just have another try.

2006-07-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

when I think of the chinese, my heart cries inside of me. So much emotion I cannot explain. I'm not sure I want to try to explain it. There is peace and joy when I consider all that is to be done. I will sing for their surrender.

2006-07-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

I feel like my heart is being tested right now. The reality sets in. Im aware of the measure of faith it is going to take for me to leave a beautiful wonderful safe place, to go to colorado and serve east asia. I would be lying if I said i wasn't afraid. Im scared to death. I have been scared because I have had little promise of support, But I recognize that this is not about safety in support, but about reckless abandon for the only one who my heart longs to please. Tears fill my eyes due to the savior who left heaven to become like me. He gave up everything and became homeless. The father has called me not to prosper but to be obedient. Everything in me says "go". So with a promise from christ that the father will take care of me I will pack my things, and bless his name as best as I can.

2006-07-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

I just heard from patty at omf and she mentioned to me that mark the director had wanted to talk with her about alternate plans to get me out to colorado. very strange indeed. I had left a message for mark about my heart for sept 28. It has come to me that I must go regardless of the support that is promised. I feel like those around me, the many who I have come into contact with- need inspiration. There are so many resources and wonderful people, what they need to see is someone to take a risk...to inspire them to embrace that which is unknown and so powerful. To watch someone close to them give total control to the loving father.

I long to wrap my feable arms around the waste of my father and hang on for dear life. Chasing after that which sets me free. I long for so many in east asia to hear about the promise of love. to be drunk with the spirit of the living God. I want so much for them to see that there is no hope in the wors hip of ancestors, and in materialism.

Oh! To see the millions understand jesus. To give hope to the hopless and watch the father fill their eyes with tears. The harvest is so plentiful.

2006-07-07T07:56:00.001-07:00

I just got a chance to break and go walk outside this morning. It's amazing to me that the time I spend standing apart of creation and breathing the air makes me feel closer to God.

I was thinking the other evening outside on the back porch. Maybe I was just listening. Prior feelings had left me feeling detached and disinterested in christianity... I know that it's not that I lost interest and love who God is to me, but I felt that everything that I loved...hiking, painting or writting songs felt so forced when I tried to consciously tie my religion into it. I listened to some music that really made me stop and let it all go. I realized that those john wayne stories or the climbing everest stories, Those stories of leaving to chase after your heart longing must be of God. Not head knowledge though. I've heard the nonsense and I've read the wild at hearts' but nothing seemed more genuine than just being alive and learning to give myself up to what is embedded deep inside me. Trusting that it will all play out for the better and people will find peace when they are ready. I think i just understood that it was ok to stop and just do what calls me deeply.

2006-07-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

當叫眾人知道你們謙讓的心。主已經近了。

let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

2006-06-26T07:21:00.001-07:00

what great inspiration has descended these past few weeks. To be free from my opositions and truely embrace the outskirts of what love really means! Grace has lead me to the river that I now have tasted of, and I can do nothing more than surrender to that wich leads me home.

2006-06-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

2006-06-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Ive been feeling kind of tired recently. detached slightly. But when I stop to listen my hope is restored, and Its beautiful to me. I am very interested in going to austin this weekend and maybe seeing some beautiful landscape. Just a day outside or in an art gallery. I need to see creativity outside of marketing. I think my heart needs refreshing.

2006-06-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

I Think im an emotional basketcase.

2006-05-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

Help me oh Great father to bear tenderness. I lay myself down yet again to ask sincerely of your precious waters.
My heart rings of former life haunting me and chasing away your purity. I love you with all that I am, and long to deny
the wayward ways of a breaking heart.

2006-05-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered if we, our God centered culture, has lost touch with surrender? I know I have. I think am scared to lose control. letting go is the hardest when all you've ever been taught was to hold on and control your surroundings. I've tried to control my desire to sin. I've tried to keep from being arrogant. I feel like my greatest sin, as hudson taylor put it, is disbelief. I dont really believe that God loves me and can handle my faithless rebellious spirit. How then do we teach youth groups and such to live? we either a) tell them they are desperately wicked and need to get themselves right with God, or b) act like they will get it and dance around the subject. Pulpits convince others that there are steps to take for better connections with God. When have we said to let go? I mean think about it, when you love someone do you deliberately hurt them (in a healthy relationship)? The more you lovesoneone the less you desire to cause them harm, the more you trust them to be faithful. I dont need programs to help me figure out God or what is desire is for me. it will never happen. I need Him. I need him to hold me and convince me that he is faithful and i am not worthless. He will win our hearts if we would let him. Jesus came to serve, and if we let him love us, and learn to love ourselves, we will stop trying to save our skin and really serve others. Stop trying...just surrender.

2006-05-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am realizing lately that its really very hard for me allow people closest to me to be upset with me. Some how I can be angry at something, but as soon as I've caused a problem especially when it points to an insecurity I deal with I imediately start feeling scared and alone. passive agressive? you bet. It scares me to think i do this subconsciously but hopefully writting this out will help me to recognize this when it happens. all i want is to know that people are fullfilled when I am around. I dont want to be seen as someone you cant do fun stuff around either. I have a view of what I want in life. what kind of person i should marry and what things I should do in order to be effective. In all honesty its absurd. It's also foolish to wait around for someone to compliment your encouragement when you offer it up. let me say not becuase they wont say they appreciate it, but because I should not encourage people just so I can receive encouragement. That is so selfish and absolutely foolish. It is not the life I am called to and my views on that life must change. I must learn surrender in the deepest parts, allowing others to be upset with me is just the begining. i must lay in harms way, feel insecure and take it. I see that I am nothing in my fear. I doubt what others say in kindness. I hoard affection from people and wont let them love others at my worst moments. This hell that I live in is hindering my service to others who need life and especially love. Is this not everything I am called to do? its so very simple when we lean on the arms of christ to fill our hearts with love, not our intellect or consicous thought. God revives my heart for you who reads this, to the ones around me as I write this, and those who I know most intimately. I love you and I see my sin affects you. it affects me. let me surrender and lean into the love of my precious savior. and let his hands warm my face.

2006-05-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

He is faithful. He will provide. I trust in him to deliver me into his perfect will

2006-04-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I feel a lot. I feel sometimes so much it becomes a hinderance. I miss everyone I ever pushed away tonight.

2006-04-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

my heart is breaking again tonight. I am so broken by the thought that Im wasting one of the greatest things that has ever come my way. im tired and I feel alone and alive. Like no one knows. I am so sad its killing me inside. How do you sit and watch the rain like everything is ok? Why is my heart so hard? oh i dont know why this hurts so much.
I wish I could understand why all this happens the way it does, but I have to continue my silent breaking heart. I have to give myself over for the better.

2006-03-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head
-pg

2006-03-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

If i only knew how much you loved me
i would stop appologizing so much
I think i would make so much more
of what you give me.
I would give myself for everyone around me
if they only knew that you were love
that you never give up on us
oh to run from this mess
of self loathing moments and misused tenderness.

surrender is all that i need to understand.

2006-03-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Tenderness overcame the offensive.
Love has saved the meaningless
Selfless words disarm defense
and grace has lead us home

Where timbers stand through golden rays
and oceans speak in ocean ways
Where love quiets all
and challenge still
A sunset made by majesty.

2006-02-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

I feel like I can no longer ignore
and I can no longer feel the way I have
Its not ok that we ignore
the lives that are lost every day
the deaths that take place
and the darkness that covers us.

I have lived believing
us vs. them
I have believed its ok to look past the pain
of a world begging for forgiveness.
Oh please dont forget me....
Oh please dont look past me
because of my ignorance,
Please dont leave me here
I need you and I love them.

2006-02-27T23:22:00.000-08:00

I am broken this evening...by the past that is before me and the life that I have lived as I fall down again, again and again.

I am wrong
I am the problem
that look in your eyes breaks my heart.
I have broken the beautiful
I have run away
your words are true
I am wrong
I'm the problem
But I cant stop loving you

If to watch me hurt
you find peace
for what I am my fathers have done
then hurt me so bad
and watch me die
and know that I love you
I beg don't ask why.

I dont know really what to feel anymore. I see how the I and the western man have caused so many aweful things to happen before and even now. I am tired of being defensive. I am tired of fighting for something I no longer believe in. I just want to fall apart and admit I am the problem, that I am the problem and i dont have an answer. But I have in my heart this breaking that says I will die for you. I have in my heart the love I can not make. I have a desperate weeping inside me now that says I love you and im sorry that I have hurt you. I have wronged you and I would gladly let you burn me, make me suffer as I beg that I may receive a glimpse of how loving God has been to me. If you need to hurt me please do without hesitation and know that i will not stop loving you and I will not disagree with what you do. I honestly understand I deserve much much worse.

2006-02-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

there is a tenderness today, and it has begun to well up in my soul. I have been rejuvinated by the patience and persistence of christ. I heard a song by a friend of mine today that reminded me of that still soft voice that calls me to the wild. I am devestated and inspired by the life he is calling me to live.

2006-01-19T17:22:00.000-08:00

I think this is not awesome.
but there are a few awesome things.
I worked with a guy named spencer on some of his songs today.
Hes a drummer in the woodlands, and wanted to record his music.
I was able to make that happen.
Somtimes i want to fall over just because.
I am tired and frustrated, it needs to say frustarted.
God is still good though, and is very much on my heart these days
I wish i could build a ladder and go see him,
and say that I am sorry for making him feel bad
and that i think we'd have a wonderful time
hiking together.

2005-12-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

So its been a while.
Partially because I don't really like blogs, but mostly because I cant make sense of much these days. I just saw the movie "rent" with tate. I feel like there was this aching deep within my heart for the characters in this play. I feel like so much meaning was placed in my life long ago and I have spent the last few years trying to forget it. Blaming all my regrets on a blanket selfishness. It's easy to do. I haven't figured all this out yet, and I know I never truly will, but there is something is so rich in meaning when I look back on all the torment and suffering my heart has been through. I block a lot of it out and I try to look only to the future, not allowing myself to be redefined by the times when christ was there and I never knew it. I am encompased....wait no, I am enveloped by his love. Hanging from a rope, I was held up by his arms. Throwing up, eyes shot with blood from rage against my body, he leaned with me.
When I place my hands on my arms and legs, uncovering scars from punishement, I see his arms bleeding too. I look at so much I cant, not yet, reveal and I weep that he was there. That he cared when all I was was dying.
I somehow think that God has come into my life and it actually started somewhere. Did he not make me from the begining? and watch my every thought and movement? Did he not hold me then? With all my heart I believe that He watched me break his heart over and over and over again. I dont want to forget the life that I have led, but I long to look at it with renewed eyes. I long to rememeber that which I have long since forgotten. He has loved me at my darkest. he bore my darkest with me.

2005-10-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I had some thoughts regarding my desire to act like nothing is wrong when I hurt inside. Sometimes it haunts me when I talk to God like that.

We're holding our heads high
as we wipe away the tears,
to say we're alright down here.

2005-09-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

I am letting my heart weigh on my shoulder.
This is so hard, to come alive.
To forget all the things I've tried to be.
I guess I've had control.
I'm learning letting go.

2005-09-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

The sun shines so bright here. Where I breathe and It matters, but in a different way. It feels like Im needed here. Not to feel important or significant, but because I'm apart of what is larger. The breath from my lungs feeds the trees. The sun needs me to absorb its glorious rays. I give it purpose. These people need to see me smile. They dont need my words. They dont need some foolish thought disguised as wisdom. None of these people even know my name. and here I am to make this place a little brighter. I never knew I was important.

Its so very hard to see the other side
where i mean more than I think.
Just me, Just me,
Who I was made to be
with out answers
or contributions.
Without exchange
as a stranger
trying so hard to make an end.

Its strange to think that your an answer
to a prayer, wish or dream
that graced someone whom youve never met,

that the end of the day
you find yourself wonderful
no matter what you say.

2005-09-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

Ive woven these thoughts
into a void of a wind
and theres nothing left for me
at all to give.

Ive made up my mind
that Im going to die
and theres nothing that I can defend
in the distance Im bound
with a joy and a sound
that means more than anything to me

Till you take me home
and sing me a song
and tell me im wonderful
anyway

Maybe theres life today
in this world, if I may
maybe theres pain if you would
more than Ive understood
when ive even forgotten to pray

Then you take me home
and sing me a song
and tell me im wonderful
anyway

2005-09-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

"And life is good, something I always knew but I just never understood..."
-Andrew Peterson
"Love and Thunder"

2005-09-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed by thought and consequence, I have found great joy in stillness. This is most indefinitely tied to the fact I can not reach it on my own. When it rises and falls and makes new my heart I am amazed. I find myself neglecting the search for wisdom and intellect for a simple delicate desire to live in the light of who God made me to be. To be awakened to life with simple purpose and fierce passion. I want no longer to think of the insecurities and worries of seeming young and vulnerable, and run against the wind into a world of heavenly lights. Open arms and eyes closed, abandoning all fear. The tears will fall and I will be alive once again.

"Jenny, I believe that God has made me for a purpose and he made me fast. And when I run I feel his pleasure!" Eric Liddell -Chariots of Fire

2005-09-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

Here's my heart for this matter. I feel like my world is coming to a halt. I never thought I'd have to live life without her. I pray that I may have the grace and love to offer her, that she may never see anything but Christ in all that I do. I pray that the peace that reaches beyond understanding may comfort the two of us. I thank the Lord that he has broken my heart instead of hers. Oh God I don't want to do this without her. If this is your will, in my broken understanding, I give her back to you. Every gratitude I have ever offered to you falls so short here compared to that which I have for having known her. For the season she held in my life, I saw a flower more beautiful that I ever imagined bloom. But without withering away, I closed my eyes and she was gone. To remain beautiful and loved without end.

2005-09-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

-------
I get to thinking every once in a while about how much I miss solitude. How much I can feel its vast spaces creep into my crowded life. I miss that feeling of the coming fall. Where I can smell the cold as it makes its way in on the 7 oclock train, delicate and on time. Taking walks beside still flowers and ivy on the building walls. For some strange reason I've learned to associate this with solitude. It goes to say that in those times I love more. I love people more and feel connected to them. I feel like when they cry I want to cry. I do not understand this thought process, but I find myself ok with not knowing.

Let my breath be your breath

and your tears be mine.